


Rifles, knives and knifles

by katsudontfeedthepiggy



Category: Black Lagoon, Red vs. Blue
Genre: Confusion, Crack Crossover, Crossover, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-17
Updated: 2015-09-17
Packaged: 2018-04-21 05:50:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4817468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katsudontfeedthepiggy/pseuds/katsudontfeedthepiggy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Revy knows what she wants this Christmas. Too bad someone else wants it too. Wait...did he just growl at her?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rifles, knives and knifles

**Author's Note:**

> This is a crossover idea I got from cheese demon's Halo x Black lagoon piece on deviant art. And a long chat with Tex18.
> 
> IMPORTANT: This is set after season 11. It's mentioned that the UNSC confiscated the grifshot. So lets just assume Maine survived that fall (he survived getting shot in the throat multiple times. You don't declare such people dead even when you find the damn body). Black Lagoon here is more of an AU version where they exist in this universe. Yes that does mean they get badass suits. XD Roanapur is not on earth but some other planet. Oh and the Lagoon boat is probably some gun ship, didn't really think about it much. Enjoy.
> 
> Disclaimer: Rei Hireo owns Black Lagoon, Red vs Blue is owned by Rooster Teeth.

How could a stupid stylized grenade be so important? Seriously what was so great about a grenade? All of them were the same. They made shit and people go BOOM. Okay so some were a little different. But seriously...a whole infiltration and retrieval mission for a stupid box of fancy grenades? What had Balalaika been smoking? Sure the bitch was a war hungry psychopath but still.

Revy groaned as the cloaking device glitches a little for the third time and barely avoided being spotted by the well armed guards in the hallway leading to the room. Again. This was the problem with not getting high quality gear! Second hand shit was second hand. No matter how much you modified it, it would still be old and used. The cloaking device was something she'd picked off a pirate. One unlucky bastard who'd landed in an escape pod on the very hell on her planet; Roanapur wasn't exactly a relaxing getaway. Poor shmuck was relaxing in the cities harbor probably stuffed in some grubby suitcase. Dutch had found him and delivered the bumbling moron to the Scarred Queen but not before he'd taken away his enhancements. They always came in handy in their line of work.

Assured that the stupid thing might not glitch for another ten minutes she peeked around the corner at the massive metallic doors leading to the target. Five men guarding one room. These guys took their war tech seriously. Good thing she liked a challenge.

She reached for her dual pistols. A pair of modified Beretta 92's. Old but reliable. She pulled back the slides and lined one up with one guard's head when the hollow ding of the lift pulled her attention towards a light grey armored guard with a tray with three cups of coffee.

"Hey man. Open the door will ya?"

"You really shouldn't let them bully you around Hank. They could've gotten their own coffee." The man at the door sighed and opened up the doors for him.

"It's fine Jim. It could've been worse." The coffee carrying newbie said weakly with a pathetic laugh. The doors opened and Revy silently snuck past the distracted guards into the room desperately hoping the cloaking device would hold on for just a little longer. She heard a soft crackle and repressed a sigh. This tech was shit.

The door closed behind her and the newbie and she took cover behind a crate marked 'fragile' just as her cloaking device failed. She was sick of infiltration jobs. She usually preferred going in guns blazing and mowing down mooks with heavy fire power. She wasn't a spy she was a fucking mercenary for fuck's sake!

She sighed low and peeked around the corner taking in her surroundings. The room had several crates stacked together, tables with some equipment and a few glass cases exhibiting some high tech weaponry. All in all it looked more like a war museum.

There were four guards inside including the newbie. All of them had rifles on them. The room was probably sound proof. This would be easy.

Revy shifted her gaze to the three cameras set in the room. Just then a soft crackle filled her ear and she heard Benny's voice.

"You in Two Hands?"

"Yeah I'm in. The cloaking device is fucked." She whispered into the mic.

"Dutch is really pissed at you for not keeping him updated on your situation."

"Yeah yeah." She muttered and looked back out from cover. "We got cameras."

"What do you take me for?" She heard the blonde hacker laugh into the mic "already set 'em on loop."

"Thanks." She crouched low and readied her guns and took in a deep breath.

"Oh by the way Revy, Rock says stay safe." She rolled her eyes and ignored the teasing tone. She felt a grin break across her face, eyes narrowed she licked her lips and leaped out of cover firing two shots. Two of the guards went down immediately, the newbie dived for cover while the other started shooting at her. She ran behind cover, the bullets barely missing her. She heard the newbie shrieking for back up but no one answered. Benny had probably taken care of that. She cackled at his growing hysterics.

"Shut the fuck up rookie! It's two on one we can take him. Just get your fucking ass over here." The other yelled at the panicking newbie.

The gun fire stopped and she could hear two sets of heavy metallic footsteps echo in the silent room; one on each side. Seriously? Who trained these guys. She tightened her grip on her cutlasses and crossed her arms over her armored chest. Listening carefully she waited till both men flanked her on either side, stretching out her arms she pulled the triggers once and two bodies fell.

"Too easy." She muttered.

"Don't get cocky Two Hands. You've still got a job to do." Dutch rumbled in her ear.

"Got it boss man." She mock saluted to no one and looked around for the crate which matched the description Balalaika's second in command had provided. It wasn't hard to find and it wasn't too big either. She felt a little miffed at having spent so much time looking for something so measly.

"You sure it's just one box Dutch?" She asked into the mic, stuffing the box into the case and setting it on her back.

"Yeah. That's what Balalaika said. Why?"

"It's fucking small. That's all."

"That's none of our business. We do what we get paid for, nothing more."

"Fine." She sighed and looked around. "I'm done here. Come get me."

"Almost there. Just a minute more."

"Almost there? Man you need to strategize and time your shit better."

"I sign your pay checks girl. Don't mouth off." He threatened her but she knew he didn't exactly care.

"Yeah yeah."

She started pacing around restlessly wondering how long it'd take for the men outside to figure out something's wrong. She looked around at the several impressive weapons.

That's when she saw it.

Hazel eyes flickered to the man made beauty behind the glass. She pulled off her helmet and leaned against it, her breath fogging up the surface, intoxicated by the clear sheen of polished metal and the graceful curves of its design. The faint scratches on the blade were proof that this piece of perfection had had its fair share of victims; probably devoured them whole. Her gloved fingers splayed against the glass itching to take it in her hands and feel it kick as she used it for its purpose. She licked her lips and felt them stretch into a lazy smile. Dutch would be pissed but she could do some 'shopping' tonight. Good thing Christmas was just around the corner. Her eyes fell on the glass faintly reflecting her dark grey armor with its maroon highlights.

And she knew what she wanted for Christmas this time.

"We're here Two Hands." Benny spoke through the radio.

"Gimme a sec." Revy muttered and lifted the beauty in her hands. Turning it over she noticed indentations on it as though it'd been used to deflect shotgun pellets. She hummed in approval and stepped towards the windows. Setting a charge on the glass she stepped back, the glass shattered just as the heavy duty door flew off its hinges and landed inches away from her position. A low growl emanated from within the cloud of smoke and dust. Automatic gunfire filled her ears and she ducked behind cover. A shriek, a crack and no more sounds except for heavy footfalls and low growls. The dust cleared and she saw a pile of dead bodies scattered about and at the door stood an eight foot tall bear of a man in white armor and an EVA helmet. His heavily dented armor and cracked helmet visor did nothing to soften his 'image'. She stepped back towards the window as his gaze fixed itself on her. He started stalking towards her, she clutched the weapon tighter and pointed it at him as she continued to back her way out of the window.

"Two Hands? Are you there? What's happening?" She heard Dutch ask.

"I'm-" just then the man sprinted towards her and she leaped back and out the window, his finger barely grazed the bladed weapon in her hand as she fell backwards and away from his outstretched fingers. She saw her reflection in his visor, remembering too late that she forgot her helmet in the building, the man roared at her. But she was already falling and out of his reach. She saw the lights of the Lagoon right beneath her reflecting in his helmet and smirked at him flipping him the bird moments before she landed on it with a hoarse cry.

"Two Hands you okay?"

"Yeah."

"Hold on."

"Oh good you mentioned man. I was thinking about doing the exact opposite!" She retorted.

As the lagoon sped away from the building she looked back at the man probably giving her a death glare though his visor and noticed the farther she got the more he looked like a candle.

"Who the hell was that?"

She tightened her grip on the bruteshot. "Eh who cares man? Who cares?"


End file.
